- Official Blog of Ian 'JUNKYARD' Dawe - Ian's Blog

2 years, Chapter 73.

WWW.ONCEIWASACHAMPION.COM

He was special.

He took risks that most men could not fathom, he went on adventures that most men could not in their wildest dreams ever imagine themselves embarking on.

He did the majority of these outings alone.

He was human.

He drank, he gambled, and he cheated. He lied, he hurt, and he walked away from everything he had to find everything he ever wanted.

He was free.

He moved from job to job, town to town, state to state, and gym to gym. He valued people not possessions, places not products, and magic not money.

He was a man on a mission.

He was stubborn.

He walked his path knowing the hardship and ridicule that it would bring. He endured withdrawal alone and returned to MMA in order to send a message. He valued the lows and appreciated the highs... he knew it was all part of the process.

He was sincere.

He understood the weight of his words and spoke accordingly. He spoke and wrote the same way he lived his life and fought in the cage, full of heart.

He had quirks.

His cheat days consisted of Oreo cookies, (what seemed like an entire gallon of) whole milk, and a handful of movies. Once or twice a week he would stop by Starbucks and get a venti White Chocolate Mocha without the whip cream topping (to avoid being 'too fancy').

He was a champion

Both in and out of the cage.

He was a believer.

In the power of the mind, in the power of the soul, and in the power of one.

He was himself.

And to those who knew him, he is the wind.

Some of us will write, others will read his words. Some of us will hit the road, others will hit the gym. Some of us will hit the bottle, and others will sit and reflect on the times that they shared with their friend.

Regardless of the different ways that we choose to remember and celebrate the relationship we had with Evan (whether he was a teammate, coach, drinking partner, mentor, opponent, or brother), there is one thing that unites us all.

We believe.

Queue The Music, Chapter 72.

The other night I wrote about the beauty of living in the country and how the stars made me feel as though the whole sky was blooming right there in front of my very eyes. Shortly after the pen left my hand I took another look and thought about just how far away those glimmering lights really were.

Although I have an incredibly interesting job, a loving relationship, and a support system like no other competitor, athlete, or friend I know... I am often overcome by the feeling that something is missing from my life (a feeling that I have yet to adjust to or conquer).

I have lived with failure, loss, pain and suffering... I have hunted down the loose ends in my life only to be reminded of the fact that their frayed edges are more embedded in my DNA than they are the source of this void.

I am now convinced that this gap does not stem from the things that I have experienced in this lifetime nor has it evolved from the number of opportunities that have passed me by... and just like the ends that ought not to be tied, perhaps this gap is more a part of who I am than the resolved and revisited chapters of my life.

The healthier I get and the stronger I feel the more I think about returning to mixed martial arts. Not because I want to revisit an unfinished chapter of my life or because I feel the need to tie any remaining loose ends together... not because I believe that MMA is the missing link or because the people around me still consider me to be a 'professional fighter' (even though I haven't competed in years). I am going to fight again because just like the stars that consume the country sky, some nights the roar of the crowd is so loud I feel as though I should be walking through that tunnel, stepping into that ring, and moving on to the next chapter of my life.

So queue the music...

Once again, I'd like to thank my friend Warren Lee and Pitchfork Hardwear (WWW.PITCHFORKNY.COM) for hooking me up with tickets and VIP passes to the Slayer show in Toronto last week. I can't wait to finally be able to represent these guys as much as they have repp'ed me.

The Going, Chapter 71.

It seems as though we are questioned about what it is that we want to be as soon as we are able to communicate with and comprehend basic language skills.

And although I don't necessarily believe that this is a meaningless or wasted question... I do imagine that we would be much more in tune with what the answer to this question is or was if we had been asked who we were at that point in time and who we one day wanted to be.

Having said that, I am not denying the fact there can be a deep connection between the individual and the job. In fact, in some way, shape, or form, there must be a connection between the who and the what, the one and the work, and the uniform and the you. Because, after all, the 'what's' seem to be a lot less or a lot more important (depending on our outlook) when we are comfortable with and understand the 'who' that is in front of and behind it... when we are comfortable with ourselves and our ability to express ourselves through our work, or through the way that we live our lives outside of work.

In either situation, whether we are in love with or detest our job, it give us something to strive for. It gives us a drive that allows us to be us.

And although there are countless resources available to those who are interested in finding a career... there is no set standard, no set precedent, and no possible amount of research that can lead you to yourself... there is only experience. The who will always find a way to express itself once we can look past the surface of the whats. Whats will quit, be let go, be laid off, and get fired. Whats can be created one day and destroyed the next. However, the who, once embraced, can never be completely broken... it can only survive, it can only evolve.

And even though the struggle to be who and what is expected of us can be overwhelming at times, the most difficult and fulfilling part of this life should be finding out and allowing ourselves to be ourselves. Life is short, days are long, and second chances are hard to find... and as hard as it has been for me to admit this truth, I thoroughly believe that each step I take along this path is bringing me one step closer to that chance... whether that chance manifests itself in the way I imagined it to or not.

Video of one of my fights.

Enjoy!

http://www.mmaworldliveonline.com/wordpress/2010/02/23/vid-11/

ReBuild, Chapter 70.

I am in the process of building a bigger, stronger, faster, more aware, and more motivated me. And although I have no idea what will become of this creation… I can only hope that the negativity I have let dictate my past and current self will not faze him. I can only hope that the insecurities and resentment I carry will provide him with the strength to move forward and not weigh him down. I can only hope to take what I have learned and start over again.

Nerve Block Pictures.

Destination Destiny, Chapter 69.

For every end there is a new beginning.

It took some time but I am finally focused on building something better. I am finally focused on being the beginning, not the end. I am finally focused on being the driving force of growth and not the weakening grip of a mad-man paddling against the current.

I am willing to go down with this ship, but only once she has been repaired, maintained, traveled, and drifted off into one too many a sunrise and sunset.

The sail has filled with soul and the anchor has been pulled.

Destination destiny.

Work x 2, Chapter 68.

Although I never would have expected it to be in the fashion that it is, I am extremely excited to say that things are finally starting to come together for me again.

Last week I started working at a wholesale warehouse just down the street from Premier. Three to five mornings a week I stock shelves at Costco right before I have to start training clients or running classes at the gym. And even though I am exhausted I finally feel like I am making the right decisions in regards to my physical, social, and mental health. Well… almost all of the right decisions.

The good news is that I made it through the first 81-hour work week of my life and my back is no worse for wear. The bad news is that I rarely ate solid meals and lived off of a steady diet of chips, energy drinks, and chocolate bars… but, all of that nonsense ends today.

And although some people may worry or wonder why I am working so much, it makes complete sense to me… I want to see my potential; I want to see what I am capable of doing… I want to see what I am made of. If I am going to train, I am going to train my ass off. If I am going to work, I am going to work my ass off... that is just the way I am. Financial compensation is nice but the numbers mean nothing to me… there is no amount of money that could override the feeling of being on my way back to being a somebody... even if that somebody is just stocking shelves.

Although there are a few things that I should/could put the money I make towards, one thing is for certain... I am saving for memories, not mansions.

Just Another Day, Chapter 67.

It seems as though I have been telling myself ‘just one more month man, just one more week, and just one more day’ for almost a year now… just one more month until my next appointment, just one more week until my next refill, and just one more day until my next treatment… just one more day until I am on my way back to being healthy.

Well... I am getting tired of living from appointment to appointment. And realistically, I can’t keep this up for much longer.

Being injured and unable to live even the simplest existence has made remaining positive a little difficult. I have been patient, positive, and optimistic about a number of less than effective treatment plans…. I have also been impatient, negative, and skeptical about almost everything at times as well. Although I am incredibly happy with my progress and thrilled with the timely treatment plans put in place by my physiotherapist and those who work for the Kingston Orthopedic and Pain Institute… I am struggling to keep everything together.

I would be lying if I said that I lived in fear of not knowing when or where my back is going to seize or if I wrote about how I waste hours of my day worrying about if I will be able to make it through the day at work or not… But, every now and then that description is my life… and it is stressful.

I have planned a come-back, a life without MMA, and everything in between. Right now I am unsure of what I want. I would love to fight again; I would love to be able to feel those lights one more time. But… first and foremost, I need to be able to function without medication, I need to be able to work, and I need to feel healthy enough to be able to sign a lease without worrying about finances or subjecting my roommate to this rollercoaster ride.

I bailed from work yesterday because of a serious muscle spasm in my back… aside from that, things have been going relatively well for me physically. Thursday I am going back to KOPI to get some nerve block injections… hopefully this procedure will bring me a step closer to being healthy.

Just four more days until my next…

Chapter 66.

It is slowly becoming harder and harder for me to walk through the front doors at work and not feel like a ‘has-been’.

And even though every day that I walk through those doors varies in terms of class structure, clientele, and potential workouts… I find myself talking about the same things over and over again… I find myself telling the same stories about how I used to travel, how I used to train, and about how I used to fight professionally.

Having said that… I am trying to stay away from medicating myself and freeing my heart and soul from the numbness that I have inflicted upon them…. I am trying my best to stay on track and concentrating on the gains that I have experienced in my personal and physical life as of late.

I started working with a physiotherapist a few weeks ago and have noticed an incredible change in both my physical and mental state. I am able to move my legs and lower back in ways that I couldn’t have imagined three months ago… I am able to train lightly, teach class, and live a reasonably normal life. And even though every now and then I experience a lapse in my physical condition and mental judgment… over all, I am in a better place.

Tomorrow morning before I have to punch in at work I am going to go meet with a specialist at the Pain Management and Solution Center in Kingston. My physiotherapist and I are confident that I will be able to return to professional competition by continuing treatment and getting a few cortisone injections.

I am ready to be healthy again.

Walk On, Chapter 65.

Even though things have been going relatively well for me as of late, every now and then I veer off course and find myself in a situation that reminds me of how truly important it is for me to stay balanced, focused, and healthy.

Although having the ability to recognize warning signs and being equipped with the tools to remain motivated has made staying on track a lot easier than it once was… it would be unrealistic of me to believe that this rusted tool box and the odd glimpse of a distress-flag here and there would render me capable of navigating the remainder of this lifetime without tip-toeing atop a landmine…

But… my goal has never been to extinguish these unexpected setbacks from my life, yet to keep them exactly that, unexpected.

Walk on.

Employed, Chapter 64.

After a few weeks of job-hunting and the impending doom of working at a call center, I am fortunate enough to have landed a position I actually enjoy.

For roughly the past two weeks I have been working as the ‘Head Boxing and Muay Thai Instructor’ at Premier Fitness (a title much more sophisticated than what it entails.) For roughly eight hours a day, six days a week, I offer the fundamentals of Boxing and Muay Thai in a variety of different fashions. I run group demonstrations, fitness classes, and one-on-one private sessions… and as far as my existence at work is concerned, I couldn’t be more comfortable.

Being able to watch people grow and develop is an incredibly rewarding experience… being able to witness the outward projection of ones inner self and the evolution of a healthier, more determined, embodiment of this being transcends any amount of financial compensation.

And although having an income may open a lot of doors for me in terms of my social life, it is safe to say that the numbers in my bank account wont be lost on fancy new outfits or a cell phone that doesn’t resemble a brick in my pocket…. I am fully aware of what I need, what I don’t, and what I want to save for. And although I am a notoriously stingy person (buying shoes is a big deal for me), you won’t catch me saving up for a ‘staycation’ any time soon.

Every dollar that isn’t being put towards groceries, rent, or the remainder of my student debt will be put towards my next excursion. I made a promise to balance responsibility and wanderlust and I intend to keep it.

There is no doubt in my mind that being employed has given me a new sense of self-worth and direction. However, it has also made it increasingly difficult for me to maintain a number of the great friendships that I was able to foster while living as a jobless ‘internet junkie’.

Don’t worry… I will get on it.

Some time this summer I will be heading back to LA to hang out with friends, catch some waves, and create even more memories that will last me a lifetime. But for now… I will work, I will save, and I will try my best to stay on track.

PS Here are a few pictures of my ‘studio’. The walls are a little bare right now but thanks to Hayabusa and my Long time sponsor Pitchfork Hardwear I am hoping to bring a little life to the place.

I think it was something you said, Chapter 63.

Ever since I have been old enough to understand the notion of action and reaction, I have been bold enough to stand in the ocean that crashes between creation and consequence. And although I have always had a general idea of the types of things that I wanted to take from and give back to the world… the majority of my life (post-education) has been lived on a day-to-day basis.

Part of the reason I enjoy traveling so much is based on this day-to-day philosophy. There is nothing better than the freedom of landing somewhere new and knowing that everything and everyone you encounter is meeting and appreciating you for who and what you are to them in that exact moment of time and nothing more. And at that moment, whether they realize it or not, everyone is operating on the same page and functioning on the same level… on a second-by-second, minute-by-minute, day-to-day level.

There is nothing like it…

This outlook has gotten me laughs, loves, lost, and on more than one occasion it has landed me in the middle of some completely crowded and far too many not-so-crowded night club dance-floors.

What a trip…

Anyway, the reason I am writing this blog is because after a long conversation with a friend, I realized that being injured and unable to function as I once did may have caused me to lose sight of who and what it is that really matters to me. I realized that I have drifted away from this mindset in some aspects of my life and left it in complete control of others. As a result, I have not been able to think as clearly as I should and my focus has been lost on activities that lack the depth to equate to short and or long-term happiness.

I now aim to incorporate wanderlust and productivity while enjoying adventure and solidifying the base of my future life. I was recently hired at a call-center in town and am being interviewed for a very promising security position next week. I am also meeting with the course co-coordinator of a Social Services program that is offered at a local college.

Fighting is in my future, but... I will not put the rest of my life on hold while I wait for surgery.

California Dreaming, California Waiting, Chapter 62.

Right after touching down and just before our plane came to a stop at its designated terminal, it hit me. Just as the rest of the passengers scurried towards their carry-on luggage and right before they started breathing down one another’s necks for a spot a little closer to the exit, it hit me. Right after I was camouflaged by a swarm of nudging people and just before I waited for my bag to make its way down the conveyor belt, it hit me... I am not the man I was when I left this place four days ago.

After a little confusion Gerard picked me up at LAX and we headed to his place (where I would be staying for the rest of the week). On our way to Long Beach we discussed the rigors of training, the popularity of MMA in California, and the dreadful act of cutting weight... I was a little concerned about how and when we were going to get down to the interview but Gerard did a great job at putting me at ease and making me feel 'at home'. After throwing my bag in the office and meeting Sophia (his fiance) and Lance (his best friend/film partner) we all went to get some Mexican food at Hole Mole. I was a little skeptical of the highly recommended and dollar-a-piece fish Tacos, but... they were delicious.

I set up shop in the Tough Crowd Productions office and alternated between sleeping on the couch and an air-mattress... it was at that moment that I realized how much I really missed living off of the couches, futons, and floors at my friends places.

The night before my interview I stayed up late, read, and reflected on everything that occupied my mind until it was clear of distraction... and when I was ready, I crashed. My interview with Gerard was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Being able to relate to and understand one another made the process much more of a conversation than anything. There were moments of laughter, moments of sadness, and tears from both.

Aside from my interview and Gerard/Lances work schedule (paperwork, scheduling, logging, editing, etc) there were no set plans. We cruised along Long Beach, drove through Huntington Beach, and hiked through some of California's cliffs. We ate at some of California's staple fast food joints and had some healthy home cooking ('Sonnen oats' and 'Sophia Pizza'). It was one of the most uplifting experiences of my life and I left L.A. knowing that I had made friendships that would last me a life-time.

Although my friend has passed on to the next stage of his spiritual development, he is everywhere. He speaks through songs on the radio and shines through videos online, his words drift atop the waves and whisper in the wind... he lives on.

Please visit and support the Evan Tanner Project, www.onceiwasachampion.com

Getting 'back on rack', Chapter 61.

Although I am incredibly grateful to have been given the 'green light' by one of Canada's premier spinal surgeons, the bureaucracy of the Canadian Health Care system and the 'wait-time' that accompanies my current predicament has made this detour of mine often appear to be endless... aside from the obvious physical limitations associated with my condition, watching myself deteriorate month after month has been incredibly draining on an emotional and mental front for me as well.

It is extremely difficult to maintain a healthy state of mind when the only escape from the pain is responsible for the distance that now exists between myself and the people I love. I am also incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that these are the same people who have had to witness a lot of the less than healthy and completely inappropriate behaviors that they have, but... I never intended to hurt anyone, I only intended to stop myself from hurting... and I am sorry.

I now know that the balance between medicating pain and creating it can be crossed so easily... and I am working on it.

Having said that, I am currently exploring alternative avenues of treatment and looking forward to forging my way back towards the man that I am capable of becoming. After an initial consultation at the Canadian Decompression and Pain Center in Kingston, Ontario. I felt that this was an approach I could not look past. I have only had two treatments but I am trying to stay optimistic and focused on the gains that can be made by completing this form of treatment. I will keep you posted in regards to my progress.

Here are a few pictures from my second visit to the CDPC in Kingston.

Chillin before the illin

Strapped-in.

The Rack.

January 5th I will be traveling to and staying in Los Angeles for a few days to be interviewed for a documentary about Evan (Once I was a Champion). As difficult as this will be, I am excited to be part of something so great. Please visit and support www.onceiwasachampion.com

Tarot, Chapter 60.

The other night Brittany and I had the pleasure of sitting in her hot-tub with no witnesses other than the pale quarter- moon whose glowing eyes light up the star speckled winter sky.

And as the steam danced off of our bodies and our eyes got lost amongst the constellations our words flowed as gently as the cool country breeze along the icy back-roads.

We spoke about our lives and remembered all times that our paths had crossed in the past but never lead in the same direction. We spoke about how the universe speaks to those who care to listen and the reasons why she made the trip to visit me in Toronto a little over one year ago. We spoke about our ups and downs, our mistakes, and how our relationship has affected our lives outside of 'us'.

We spoke about the vastness of our world and the mysteries that lie within the solar system. We discussed the many different types of places that we wanted to visit and touched upon a number of places that neither of us had any desire in seeing.

And although I truly believe that the universe has a way of putting certain situations and people in our lives... I also believe that every now and then we need to ask the universe why some of these things have happened and what will happen if we continue to live the way that we have been.

Now... I am completely aware of how silly this may sound but I will not deny that things of this nature tend to interest me from time to time. So... yesterday I participated in a Tarot Card reading and was pretty surprised with how close to home some of the cards hit.

It is no secret that 2009 took a big piece of me, but... without a doubt, it has also made me a better person. I am thankful to have experienced the things that I have and to have come in contact with the people I did. I can only hope to have learned from my mistakes and to make 2010 a better year than those of the past.

Thank you for walking beside and standing behind me through it all.

love.

What Covers You: Five of Pentacles

Briefly: You may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a woman who is wearing a scarf covering her head and shoulders. She is comforting a young man who has a bloodied bandage around his head. His left hand is also injured and bandaged. He carries a long stick in his left hand to assist him walking. The woman looks concerned for the young man and wishes to protect him from life’s harsh experiences. In the background is a large disc containing five pentacles. If you draw this card you may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help. You would be wise to question the motives of this person, just in case they are leaning on you too heavily, whereas they should be standing on their own two feet.

What Crosses You: Page of Pentacles

Briefly: You may be on the receiving end of some really good news within about one month.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a good looking man of about 22 who is clean shaven and rugged up ready for winter or a long journey. He wears a beret with a feather in it, and a coat with stripes on the sleeves, which could represent a military uniform or other suit related to his field of work. He looks strong and courageous. He is headed in a certain direction and carrying a large Pentacle. He is obviously on a mission to bring some good news to someone. In the background are mountains and a river with tall trees dotting the landscape. This could represent a place you will visit in the near future, or where you will live. If you draw this card, you may be on the receiving end of some really good news within about one month. If the card represents someone you already know, rest assured success lies ahead for them. If the card is yourself, you know where you are going and how to get there. You will gain recognition for your endeavours and the esteem of your contemporaries.

What Crowns You: Knight of Wands

Briefly: An indication of the arrival of someone important coming into your life.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card is of a man on a horse swiftly charging through the day with fearless abandon. He has a mission and knows exactly where he is going. Sometimes this card can indicate the arrival of someone important coming into your life, or it can signal the hasty departure of someone from your life. If you are expecting someone to arrive, they will do so very quickly. If you sense that someone wants out, they will leave just as quickly. This can also signal some type of emergency, though not necessarily too serious of an event that has speeded up. Perhaps someone is admitted to hospital and you have to get there quickly. There is unlikely to be any serious problems stem from this event, just that the matter had to be dealt with as soon as possible, without any delays, such as an appendix attack, for example. If you are single, it can mean your next lover is just around the corner and you will find this person to be very warm and responsible. He or she may be born under an Earth sign, such as Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn.

What Is Beneath You: The Hanged Man

Briefly: There is some type of time lapse going on around you. Things have not quite reached fruition and you have to take a wait and see attitude.

Full Meaning: When you draw this card you are being advised that there is some type of time lapse going on around you. Things have not quite reached fruition and you have to take a wait and see attitude. There may be some delay to your plans and it is best to be patient and bide your time. Someone may seem unbalanced around you and creating a difficult though not unsolvable problem. Trust your judgement and make allowances for this for the time being. Time is the great healer of most dilemmas so be the keeper of your own counsel and it will serve you well. Someone may also be having difficulty with their leg and unable to walk or get around as they usually do. They may need a walking stick or crutches, just temporarily. Give a wide berth to anyone who is not in the best of health either physically, mentally or emotionally. If you have to make an important decision around now, take your time to weigh all the facts and be sure that it is the best choice possible.

What Is Behind You: Justice

Briefly: The time has come to reflect on the choices you have made along the way. This card shows that wrongs will be put right.

Full Meaning: Whatever your past has brought to you, the time has come to reflect on the choices you have made along the way. Perhaps there were things you would rather not have done, and your are planning now to make amends for anything you would like to clear up once and for all. If there have been some people who have crossed you and brought you distress, you are now wise and mature enough to deal with it in an intelligent and abstract way. Your thoughts are on making things better and improving your relationships. If you have to go to a court of law around this time, the final decision will be one that is fair to you. This card shows that wrongs will be put right. You can assist this process by addressing those issues that had caused friction and pain in your life and make some headway towards a more harmonious relationship with those closest to you.

What Is Before You: Two of Cups

Briefly: Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you, the birth of a child or new found love.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a man and a woman looking at each other and each one has a cup in the left hand and they are making a toast. There are some heavy black clouds in the background and these may indicate a period of time, such as further in the distance, or in the past. Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you. The number two can represent time as in days, weeks or months and this may indicate when the encounter will take place. The woman may also become pregnant early on in the relationship, or if a married couple have been trying and this has been delayed or hindered in some way, now it may eventuate. Also there can be a celebration of some kind and this of course could indicate the celebration of the birth of a child. If you are single and looking for romance, then it may be on its way and you could find this person proves to be your soulmate.

Your Self: The Devil

Briefly: This could be the little devil who is prankish or disruptive in the classroom or with other playmates. However it can also be a strong and forceful element in a grown up that unleashes its tremendous energies at whoever stands in the way of his/her desires. Someone can be incredibly possessive and dominating around you if you pull this card out in your reading.

Full Meaning: This could be the little devil who is prankish or disruptive in the classroom or with other playmates. However it can also be a strong and forceful element in a grown up that unleashes its tremendous energies at whoever stands in the way of his/her desires. This is considered a Trump card, and therefore contains many powers to be utilised as the needs or desires arise. Someone can be incredibly possessive and dominating around you if you pull this card out in your reading. Often they have a love/hate relationship with someone and it could be getting out of control. Someone is madly in love with or wants to control the actions of another and this should not be allowed to continue as it represents one persons victory at the cost of another's defeat, and to great distress for the one defeated. If you are trying to succeed in business it is likely that you will with this card as there is no stopping the determination and the will to succeed. Someone may be power hungry around you and their ambitions are stirred to such an extent that failure is inconceivable to them. Do not anger or irritate those who show the slightest signs of violence or hostilities, for to unleash the devil has no boundaries or limitations to the trail of devastation it can leave in its wake.

Around You: Eight of Cups

Briefly: There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made.

Full Meaning: This card shows a person with a hooded cloak walking with a staff near an inlet that is surrounded by tall cliffs. You cannot see the person's face as they have their back to you. In the background is a crescent Moon. It appears to be either early morning or early evening. There are eight cups in the foreground. This is symbolic of being in a reflective state of mind. There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made. If you draw this card you either live in a setting like this or it is not far from your home. Or perhaps you are considering moving to a seaside resort area at some point in the not too distant future. This can be a time when you choose a different course of action that puts you where you are destined to be. It is also time to consider bringing in some newness into your life and leaving the past where it belongs, in the past.

Hopes and Fears: The Fool

Briefly: Journey of unique and unknown destination. Innocent of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes. He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for life and for love.

Full Meaning: This card shows a picture of a young man walking towards a cliff edge, with a long rod leaning over his shoulder. On the end of the rod there appears to be a handkerchief holding all of his worldly possessions. Following beside him is a small white dog. He is almost oblivious to what pitfalls may lay before him. He is on a, a journey of discovery. He is almost like a tourist, as he looks right, left, above and below to anything that catches his eye. He is curious and adventurous. He wants to know everything and is keen to look, learn and discover whatever life is going to teach him. He is innocent of life and will probably make many mistakes along the way. He is a student of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes. He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for life and for love. He is young and open-minded, with a desire to have many new and varied experiences so that he can get a taste for life and decide what it is that he really wants. He does not yet know what the world will bring, nor what his unique destiny is, but he will soon find out.

Outcome: Ten of Wands

Briefly: Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man struggling with a heavy load. This may reflect some aspect of your life where you feel a little overwhelmed and unable to continue without a strong will and a determination not to fail. Your motives are of high standing and you only want what is best for everyone concerned. You will soon gain the feather in your cap and be able to move freely through life as if the coast is finally clear. Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation. Give yourself every effort to succeed and you surely will.

Have a great holiday season everyone!

Life Letter. Chapter 59.

Life is too short yet often feels as though it is the longest curse known to those who decide to live it.
Love is the most precious gift one can give yet often becomes the heaviest burden on those who decide to feel it.
Our hearts are strong enough to keep us alive yet often perish long before our time on this earth expires.

I have tried to stop myself from defining love and loving others in the ways of convention... in the ways that do not stem from my true thoughts and feelings. I genuinely believe that this is a form of spiritual growth and not the evolution of my own illusions. And if it is... I am okay with the fact that this mirage has given me something to work towards.

And although my heart has managed to piece itself together just in time to be broken time and time again, it bears no scars... it has no regrets and shares nothing but an open wound that bleeds a love eternal.

Simply put... there is no love like my own.

And only those who have dared to love me know of its hurt, its subtle insecurities, and its lack of comfort... only those who have dared to love me have learned of its depth and sincerity long after moving on.

There is no love like the one that dwells within your heart.

Because you... you are the sole survivor, the sole recipient of this gift who will one day learn to appreciate its value while still owning it.
Knowledge is a weapon and you are armed to the teeth...you are prepared to deal with everything that you will encounter along this journey if you remain honest with yourself and true to those who deserve your love.

Your heart bleeds too.

Follow the flow of this crimson river and trust not in the foot prints that litter the shore. The path of the past is not of your doing and only leads to the places that man has already stripped of their natural beauty and uniqueness... thus the waves never ending fight to reclaim them. March to the beat of your heart and embrace the rhythmic beauty that can only be found within the love, fear, sorrow, and anguish that you will experience along the way... for this is your story and it leads nowhere but to your self and to all that you love.

I know you, and I am not afraid.
I know myself, and I have come to terms with this fear.

Working out and Working things out, Chapter 58.

The forces that drive an individual to become who or what they have decided to become in this lifetime have proven themselves to be much less obvious than I had once imagined them to be. For years I believed that income, control, and an inherent fear of 'god' were the primary factors behind the majority of the decisions that we make in the western world on a daily basis.

However, my recent unemployment and subsequent job search has profoundly impacted and vastly expanded my thoughts on what it is that really drives us.

The truth is, I have no idea...

The second I think I have narrowed it down to its core, the true essence of human nature has managed to elude me. The simplest behaviours are the often the end result of a complex series of events, and in turn, the most complex scenarios are often conceived through acts of sheer simplicity. It is astonishing...

The only thing I am sure of is that the things that motivate me to keep moving forward and the underlying sense of responsibility that I feel in my heart are not the same things that motivate or inspire those around me. But... having said that, I have never met a man nor woman who did not dream of greatness.

Although being able to 'live the dream' for a few years opened my eyes to and unveiled a number of the universes fundamental truths.... it also contributed to a slight 'loss of sight' on my behalf as well. I developed a tendency to get lost in the 'bigger picture' of things and continuously found myself looking past the smaller issues that existed on the surface... the very same issues that now appear to be completely unavoidable.

I am working on it...

Despite the fact that I was able to make ends meet as a professional fighter (with the aid of friends, family, sponsors, guest seminars, special appearances, and all the change that I found beneath the cushions of all the couches I crashed on), money never motivated me to pursue a career in MMA. And, the cold hard truth is that I never came close to making the type of money that people usually associate with professional athletes (not that it ever mattered to me). But... my point is, as human beings, we tend to get lost in 'titles'... whether they are our own or not.

Being a 'professional fighter' never changed the way I felt about myself... but, without a doubt, being the owner of this 'title' has drastically impacted other peoples opinion of me. It gave everything I did a certain level of credibility and presented me with an opportunity to speak my mind without as much speculation or ridicule as there would be if I was not in the position I was.

I am extremely grateful to have had the opportunities I have and look forward to expanding my personal experiences and exploring the 'normal' yet different opportunities that lay ahead of me.

Last week I was offered a job in tech-support for major call center and recently applied to be a personal trainer/wrestling-mma coach at a gym in town... I can't help but feel that everything is going to work out just fine.

Listen to your Body.

The following entry is an article I wrote for Absolute Boxing Fitness, please visit their online blog at http://abfitt.blogspot.com/

I am sure we have all heard our training partners and coaches yell "Push it man! One more Rep, one more set, one more round, don't quit, don't quit, DON'T QUIT!" or have laid our eyes on slogans such as "Pain is temporary, Pride is forever" and "Pain is merely weakness leaving the body" plastered on gym walls all over the world ... I know I have.

Anyway... the reason I felt inclined to write this article is because sometimes pain is not temporary and not knowing how to listen to your body can lead to detrimental set-backs in your athletic career and lessen your over-all quality of life. I know, I am a 25 year old professional mixed martial artist who has been sidelined by a severe spinal injury that could have been avoided if I had listened to my body instead of trying to be a super-human in the gym and work through the pain.

Now, by no means am I condoning laziness or a lack of effort in the gym. The gym is not a social-club or an outing... the gym is work. And when you go to work you have a job to do, and if you don't do your job you get fired. The same principle applies to the gym... if you go to the gym and don't work you won't get the results you desire.

After sustaining a number of minor injuries and having to miss a couple weeks from training here and there I realized that I had to change my mind-set. My goal went from trying to lift the heaviest weights I could, doing as many sprints as I could, and sparring as many rounds as humanly possible, to trying to make each session as grueling as possible but not grueling enough to make me miss out on the next days sessions.

As a professional athlete I have trained and competed hurt a number of times...that is part of the job. However, there is a big difference between being hurt and being injured.

Training consistently is the key to improving and sometimes training smarter is far more beneficial than training harder. I know... this is much easier said than done.

This and that, Chapter 57.

I am a 25 year old, sushi loving, starbucks drinking, heavily tattooed professional athlete with a front row seat on the sidelines and too many bad habits to list. I was born in Montreal but don't speak french, I graduated from University but just started learning, I don't do drugs but take prescription pills, and every now and then I act like an asshole but have a heart of gold. I am me

I have been loved, hated, feared, and misunderstood. I have loved, hated, feared, and misunderstood myself. I am in a better place.

I have been to the top and gone nowhere fast. I have witnessed random acts of kindness, senseless acts of violence, and everything in between. I have sat in the front row of criminology classrooms, behind bars in detention centers, and slept on couches all over North America. I am a nomad.

I am a published author, part-time actor, full time dreamer, and the hardest working currently unemployed person I know. Money never mattered to me, but... I never liked not having any either.

I am addicted to adventure and in love with the thought of being in love, I am engaged.

I want to change the world but if I can't, I'd like to be able to change the life of someone who can. I ask questions, seek answers, and keep moving forward.

Today, Chapter 56.

I want to be there, I want to be in the thick of it, I want to contribute, on any level, to a better world. But... my mind races, and too often I keep myself occupied with less than productive activities.

Being injured and without work has allowed me to settle into a routine that has kept me busy, yet has not allowed me to accomplish anything that is even worth mentioning. My day revolves around the countless hours I spend analyzing the many different scenarios I may encounter on a day to day basis and how I will be able deal with them or not... or...more truthfully, my day revolves around the countless hours I spend creating the potentially stressful scenarios I may encounter in my mind and letting them wear away at me while the rest of the world sleeps.

It is obvious that I have too much time on my hands and too many thoughts on my mind... a reality that has made finding a job so much more important than just numbers in a bank account. I need something positive to focus my energy on.

But... I am learning to find relief in the small things. I am trying not to to burden my mind with what I cannot accomplish at this moment in time and working towards embracing the number of things that I am capable of doing, and doing them as best I can.

I have wasted too many days thinking about when I will get surgery, how long it will take me to recover, and when I will be able to make my come back to MMA...I know I will make it there, it is only a matter of time. It is time to enjoy today.

And although I may not be able to make the world a better place today, I can do my best to make today better for someone else... I will make today better for someone else.... I just need to re-focus on what is truly important.

So, I am going to stop posting blogs for a couple weeks and get everything centered... after that I am going to get a job and lessen the weight I have placed on myself those around me.

I am incredibly excited for what awaits me.

Photo by Clark Little, please check out his website at http://www.clarklittlephotography.com/

Also.. if you get a minute, check out and http://symphonyofscience.com/

Working Out, Chapter 55.

After a few weeks of coasting along followed by a few months of scraping by I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to become a functioning member of society...

I am going to get a job.

Although I am fortunate enough to have attended and graduated from a post-secondary institution, I lack most of the required in-field experience necessary for me to be considered a potential employee for many of the serious career opportunities I applied for...

I am okay with that.

I applied to be a security guard (mall-cop), costumer support agent at a calling center, receptionist at an addictions clinic, case-worker for Ontario Works (welfare), barista at a coffee-shop in town, and a slew of other minimum wage jobs.

I am not embarrassed.

As a student I fell in love with the 'people' aspect of a system that tended to fixate on the 'statistics'. I gave up on securing a well paying job to chase my dream of becoming a professional fighter, and for a second... I lived it.

I regret nothing.

I will flip burgers, pick up trash, answer phones, 'patrol' parking lots, help people get back on their feet, and anything and everything else I am physically capable of doing to fund the adventures that await me.

I am on my way.

The Chorus, Chapter 54.

I have discovered the beauty of life again.

And even though I sometimes feel like an old worn out record that is going in circles and circles playing the sames old songs over and over again, the few seconds of static and the visibly damaged tracks are merely souvenirs of an ongoing journey.

This record still plays. The show goes on.

Sing along.

Giving Thanks, Chapter 53.

Unlike our American neighbors who celebrate 'thanksgiving' in late November, we Canadians decided that getting incredibly drunk and stuffing our faces was a holiday much better suited for mid October.

Now... I am not exactly sure why there are separate dates for the same holiday, but a part of me would like to believe that it has something to do with the stomach-stretching process that allowed us Canadians to fully partake in our post trick-or-treat marathon junk food sessions as children.

Just a thought America...

Anyway, I couldn't be happier with how my appointments in Toronto went this week. It was really refreshing for me to finally speak with someone who is highly respected and widely regarded as an 'expert' in their field. It was also really uplifting for me to have this person acknowledge the seriousness of my injuries and get the ball rolling in terms of treatment.

In the next few weeks I will be going back to Hamilton Ontario to have a discogram done (http://www.allaboutbackpain.com/html/spine_diagnostics/spine_diagnostics_discogram.html). Although discograms are rumored to be incredibly painful, this procedure is necessary. In combination with my MRI and X-Rays, the discogram will help my surgeon identify the specific areas in my spine that need repair and narrow down my options for surgery. Although the details of this procedure aren't very appealing, it makes me incredibly happy to know that I am a step closer to the surgery I need to get my life back on track.

So... among my great friends, family, fans, supporters, and everyone else who has helped guide me through and stood by me along this journey, this thanksgiving I am also thankful for the needles that will grace my spine in the weeks to come.

I will post some pictures after the weekend, hope you are all doing well!

That Time of Year, Chapter 52.

Over the past twenty-five years I have become quite accustomed to and thoroughly enjoy the unique changes that accompany each of Canada's seasonal shifts. I love watching the green leaves fade to brown and melt into fiery golden embers before they fall to the earth. I love watching the morning dew and frost quell these embers before they are completely extinguished by the grip of old winters hands. And even though its flowing breeze has had nothing to do with the chills that have been running up and down my spine, I still love the cool October air.

For years I have watched as one season slowly transformed into the next, knowing that this gradual demise was a necessary sacrifice on behalf of the present in oder to give birth to the future... a future that would in turn revisit its past to ensure the survival of this cycle. And although the changing of seasons could easily be interpreted as a representation of the time that I have been absent from mixed martial arts, it means so much more than that to me.

The changing of one season to the next is visible on so many different levels. Sometimes the leaves change color, sometimes the temperature gradually rises or drastically drops... certain species go into hibernation and others emerge from their slumber. Some people bravely come out of their shells while others are reluctantly forced to seek shelter. A single season can breathe inspiration into some and strangle the freedom from others.

However... I see nothing but beauty and revival when I look around, and it is everywhere.

In the next few days I am going to meet with two of the most respected surgeons in the Greater Toronto Area. Needless to say, I am more than a little excited and nervous for these appointments... the thought of what may occur in these meetings and how I will be greeted by these men has weighed heavy on my mind ever since my last unsuccessful appointment in Kingston. Due to the fact that my 'official MRI findings' were actually the speculations of a resident doctor and dismissed by the last surgeon I met with, I went to Toronto and picked up a hard copy of my MRI and X-Ray files. Fortunately the wait wasn't very long and the staff at the hospital were extremely helpful.

The events that unfold this week could quite possibly determine the course of my life throughout the next few years, I vow to enter the future with confidence... a confidence that has grown from an ember to an inferno in spite of the conditions around it... an inferno that no possible amount of dew nor frost could possibly conquer.