The other night I wrote about the beauty of living in the country and how the stars made me feel as though the whole sky was blooming right there in front of my very eyes. Shortly after the pen left my hand I took another look and thought about just how far away those glimmering lights really were.

Although I have an incredibly interesting job, a loving relationship, and a support system like no other competitor, athlete, or friend I know... I am often overcome by the feeling that something is missing from my life (a feeling that I have yet to adjust to or conquer).

I have lived with failure, loss, pain and suffering... I have hunted down the loose ends in my life only to be reminded of the fact that their frayed edges are more embedded in my DNA than they are the source of this void.

I am now convinced that this gap does not stem from the things that I have experienced in this lifetime nor has it evolved from the number of opportunities that have passed me by... and just like the ends that ought not to be tied, perhaps this gap is more a part of who I am than the resolved and revisited chapters of my life.

The healthier I get and the stronger I feel the more I think about returning to mixed martial arts. Not because I want to revisit an unfinished chapter of my life or because I feel the need to tie any remaining loose ends together... not because I believe that MMA is the missing link or because the people around me still consider me to be a 'professional fighter' (even though I haven't competed in years). I am going to fight again because just like the stars that consume the country sky, some nights the roar of the crowd is so loud I feel as though I should be walking through that tunnel, stepping into that ring, and moving on to the next chapter of my life.

So queue the music...

Once again, I'd like to thank my friend Warren Lee and Pitchfork Hardwear (WWW.PITCHFORKNY.COM) for hooking me up with tickets and VIP passes to the Slayer show in Toronto last week. I can't wait to finally be able to represent these guys as much as they have repp'ed me.

It seems as though we are questioned about what it is that we want to be as soon as we are able to communicate with and comprehend basic language skills.

And although I don't necessarily believe that this is a meaningless or wasted question... I do imagine that we would be much more in tune with what the answer to this question is or was if we had been asked who we were at that point in time and who we one day wanted to be.

Having said that, I am not denying the fact there can be a deep connection between the individual and the job. In fact, in some way, shape, or form, there must be a connection between the who and the what, the one and the work, and the uniform and the you. Because, after all, the 'what's' seem to be a lot less or a lot more important (depending on our outlook) when we are comfortable with and understand the 'who' that is in front of and behind it... when we are comfortable with ourselves and our ability to express ourselves  through our work, or through the way that we live our lives outside of  work.

In either situation, whether we are in love with or detest our job, it give us something to strive for. It gives us a drive that allows us to be us.

And although there are countless resources available to those who are interested in finding a career... there is no set standard, no set precedent, and no possible amount of research that can lead you to yourself... there is only experience. The who will always find a way to express itself once we can look past the surface of the whats. Whats will quit, be let go, be laid off, and get fired. Whats can be created one day and destroyed the next. However, the who, once embraced, can never be completely broken... it can only survive, it can only evolve.

And even though the struggle to be who and what is expected of us can be overwhelming at times, the most difficult and fulfilling part of this life should be finding out and allowing ourselves to be ourselves. Life is short, days are long, and second chances are hard to find... and as hard as it has been for me to admit this truth, I thoroughly believe that each step I take along this path is bringing me one step closer to that chance... whether that chance manifests itself in the way I imagined it to or not.

Enjoy!

http://www.mmaworldliveonline.com/wordpress/2010/02/23/vid-11/

I am in the process of building a bigger, stronger, faster, more aware, and more motivated me. And although I have no idea what will become of this creation… I can only hope that the negativity I have let dictate my past and current self will not faze him. I can only hope that the insecurities and resentment I carry will provide him with the strength to move forward and not weigh him down. I can only hope to take what I have learned and start over again.